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The Great Unwashed

I saw a man today wash his hands under cold water for between one and two seconds, no soap necessary. This for him constituted a wash. This for me constituted a waste of time; if you're going to do that you may as well not do it at all. It also meant that whoever and whatever he came in contact with from then on was going to get a handful of healthy germs smeared on them. All he achieved in doing this was giving bacteria a bath.
The World Health Organisation recommends we wash our hands for between 15 and 20 seconds. Many world governments offer posters, pamphlets and press releases regarding hand washing. These actually show us step-by-step how to clean ourselves properly.What's most amazing about this is the fact that they have to do it. What kind of society needs to be told? Why are people not bothered about their hygiene to the point where barely washing or not washing their hands at all is suffice? I'm sure no one steps into the shower for ten seconds before drying off so why is this okay?
This isn't okay and here are a few reasons why:

• The number of germs on your fingertips doubles after you use the toilet.
• There can be between 2 and 10 million bacteria from fingertip to the base of your hand.
• 800 new food poisoning cases occur every hour in Australia.
• One in six "wash" their hands with a quick rinse of cold running water.

If people continue to do this is will render taps obsolete and put Royal Doulton out of business. Do you want that on your conscience?

Operation Waltzing Matilda

Only a quick note this week. I want to draw your attention to this link: http://www.seashepherd.org/news-and-media/news-100412-1.html, which highlights the success of Operation Waltzing Matilda - Sea Shepherd's Whale Defense Campaign. 528 whales were saved during this operation, which is their "biggest impact on the whale quota to date".
Sea Shepherd's work is vital and is only possible with the help of the worldwide community. Please help if you can at this page http://www.seashepherd.org/support-us/ and to show we're serious we will donate 50% of t-shirt profits to Sea Shepherd this week only.

Very Much Hurtings My Brainings

We've touched on this before but it's worth going over a little more thoroughly as it's a vital issue in today's society and well, it annoys me.

The title refers to the clutter you receive in your inbox, often daily, offering great new products at a great price. What these products are is anyone's guess as the writer employs hyperbole and a use of English reserved for day one at (a special) primary school.

Read the following email received in the bollocks inbox recently then we shall discuss further.

Hi friend,

-  Do you want to save more of your time and to buy more preferential prices of goods satisfy you? do you want your transactions more secure?Then please visit my website. my company have all kinds of products and price concessions,We only accept Paypal transactions : )

-  Welcome to(Accept paypal)website:( tranfast.net )
-  We are the exoprting wholesale company,we supply including:shoes bags,clothes,belt and so on.and we can give  you a best price. we are looking for business,Our company accept paypal payment,Top quality with original packing.please be sure of your purchase. and please contact with us

-  Good luck to you every day......

Now because the English language has been diced, blended, drank, then excreted in this example, I have several questions directed squarely at the author. Firstly, who taught you english? Secondly, who taught them English? Are you really that confident in your use of a foreign language? Proofread? When did we become friends?

I'll answer these questions for you in much the same style as your e-marketing nonsense. Donkey, very much happy goodness, overcast with a chance of rain, Michael J. Fox, big byes many and.

If you can't even spell brand names correctly on your website (Christan Audigie), how do you suppose you will gain my business by email? So please do not contact me. After all, even you state: "Our target customers are from Western Europe and the North of America". We sometimes call this Canada by the way.

Harakiri or Kekiri?

In news this week, a Hong Kong man has attempted to kill himself by entering a cucumber into his anus. 62-year old Chin Wei stated he inserted the elongated fruit as a self-improvised method of seppuku or harakiri - the ancient Japanese ritual in which one sinks a short blade into the abdomen.
Or at least that's what I'd have said.
When questions inevitably began to be asked, the truth wouldn't have been so easy to spit out. Especially when it was the man's daughter who found him. You can imagine that conversation as she comforted him at his hospital bedside:
Daughter: So why'd you have a cucumber sticking out of your arse earlier?
Chin Wei: What? Sorry? Me?
Daughter: Yeah you. You had it well up there. Anything I should know?
Chin Wei: Ohhh, nooooo nothing.
Daughter: You're not ... are you?
Chin Wei: Trying to kill myself. Alright? Shall we leave it, yeah?


Even if it was a variation on harakiri, it's a little far fetched considering it was often reserved for samurai who chose to die with honour instead of being taken by the enemy. Not that much honour in being found dead with an uncut eye mask sticking out of yourself. Also, did he really think a cucumber was going to do the job? Blunt, soft and edible are all descriptions not commonly fit for a weapon capable of murder so why did Mr. Wei think differently?
The main thing is he's okay. Thank god his daughter found him in that pickle, or found that pickle in him.

The Homeless

Are you like most people and blank homeless people when they approach to ask for funds? Do you pretend to be on the phone or put your headphones on just as they come into view? I'm not putting a guilt trip on you for having the societal values of a lemon; I do it too. But it is interesting the conversations had when you do take a second to listen. And I'm not talking about hearing their life story or how they became stuck in a rut (that's for people with stronger moral fibre than I), I'm talking about the reasons homeless cite for needing money.

You can admit it, when you're asked for money your ingrained cynicism immediately ticks the drugs and booze column. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. The other day I had an Aboriginal lady ask me for 40 cents. 40 cents? I thought if you're going to ask for money why not ask for a little more. But she had a reason - it was to pay for her Aunt's bus ticket. Fair enough, I have no reason to question that. In the same spot a week earlier a man was requesting cash but was not giving a reason. Maybe this lack of information is a telltale sign you're funding a life of alcohol and substance abuse.

The other way rough sleepers make it known they're in need of assistance is with signs. Always well written block letters, somehow at odds with the person beside it. Ken Johnson, a 52-year old living institution who resides on the corner of George and Market Sts in Sydney's CBD, changes his message occasionally but there's always one constant - "Not for drugs". He says it's to help a friend who is in need of a liver transplant. He sits there, all worldly possessions surrounding him, for well over one hundred hours a week and at an estimate earns AU$50,000 per year yet still cannot afford to move off the streets.
Many years ago I was asked by a man for a dollar. I politely declined. He insulted me before responding: "You'd give it to a bus driver!".  I thought to myself, "Yes I would because he takes me places. He provides a service. He participates in society. If you want my help that's not the right way about it". But I've since considered his statement was unwittingly prophetic. Many of us only give out of necessity, not out of kind-spirited volition. If we're honest with ourselves, maybe these people will be too.

Madhouse of Representatives

Has anyone seen Question Time recently? You know, the show with these really bad actors pretending to deal with important issues affecting our country?
In truth, our politicians' behaviour in this arena is nothing short of childish. It is one thing to discuss passionately your views and those of others but in this controlled medium where there are rules and regulations - some dating back to 1900 - it seems inappropriate to do so by standing and shouting across a room. Harry Jenkins Jr., the current speaker of the house, has a tough job keeping all in check. He's been in this job for just two years and already sounds sick of it. Half the time he isn't listened to or obeyed, much like a school teacher's attempts to subdue her class.
But unlike a class of kids, these are fully grown men and women. Members of Parliament. Prime Ministers. They will often debate topics that are critical to Australia's future; the discussions are more often than not interesting to listen to. That is however before these same men and women pipe up with incessant chants of "rabble, rabble" as South Park would put it. On occasions warnings are issued under Standing Orders. On rarer occasions expulsions are issued for one hour.
I find a great juxtaposition to be the respect held for the speaker when addressing parliament in contrast to the disobedience to the speaker when he is attempting to regain control of the house.
A typical couple of minutes in the House of Reps goes like this:
Mr Rudd - The government, in its response to the challenges of people smuggling, consistent with previous governments, always seeks to act in conformity with the principles and procedures of international humanitarian law (-ORDER!-). We have done so in the past, will do so in the future (-ORDER! ORDER!-) and we assume that those opposite would have done so when they were in government, but perhaps not (-ORDER! The Member for Bass will resume his seat. ORDER! The member for Fadden is warned.-)
In spite of the hollering, bickering, objections and lame jokes, Question Time is quite enjoyable ... or maybe that's because of the hollering, bickering, objections and lame jokes.

For Richer Or For Poorer

It's front page news. The talk of the town. "The most discussed relationship in Australian sport" as the Sydney Morning Herald puts it, is over. No, it's not Peter Sterling's relationship with Blue Haven Pools, but the union of Michael Clarke and Lara Bingle. Such a shame too because they'd just passed their 3rd anniversary (leather in anniversary gift terms) and were one year short of the linen/silk stage. What a pity.

I am of course being extremely sarcastic and do not care that they are not together, nor should anyone other than those concerned and their immediate friends and family. But in a society where we're more interested in the latest trend than the latest tragedy, it comes as no surprise that a woman - who as far as anyone can tell does nothing for a living - has been paid over $200,000 for her "story".

It's even more absurd that this happens just as Clarke's PR firm states the former couple "ask the media to respect their privacy during this difficult time. No further comment will be made." The next sentence should have read, "But if you want all the details buy the next issue of Woman's Day - It's Your Day!"

She should not have the option of selling her pointless story to anyone for such ludicrous amounts but we the public feed this monster on a daily basis. Our insatiable quest for the latest and greatest celebrity event knows no bounds, vicariously seeking out the most depraved acts to cast our opinions upon and empathise with yet let the tables be turned and the spotlight would blind us.

The biggest lesson to come out of this, one that no one has yet mentioned, is never shower. We can all take something from that.

LAS Vegas

A short one this week ... for those dopey twats who can't get this right, let me spell it out for you. Literally:


It's LAS Vegas, not LOS Vegas. It's spelt 'L-A-S' not 'L-O-S'. It's not difficult. Unless you're a mong.


You don't say LAS Angeles, so why do you say LOS Vegas?




Think about it and get it right.


Because it bloody annoys me.


Thank you.

Body Odour

What would you do if someone at your workplace had very noticeable body odour? Would you say something, not knowing how they'd react? Would you just complain to other workmates behind the stinker's back and do nothing? Would you drop hints? Would any of these things improve the situation or just hurt the person's feelings and ruin a working relationship? To be honest, I'm not sure what I'd do but I'd like to relate something that happened to me the other day ...
... I'm ordering a coffee from my local coffee shop when - just as I'm explaining that I want no froth on my flat white - which itself is a blog for another day - this bloke of about 50 stands right next to me. As the first wave of his odour tsunami hit my nostrils, I had to grip the counter in case I passed out. It was the worst B.O. I'd ever experienced. And I've been to India. He moved away from me to check out the pastry display and I regained my senses enough to say to the girl serving me, "Jesus, did you get a whiff of that?" She had. No sooner had the words tumbled from my gob than he was behind me, waiting to order. It was torture. Finally I got my coffee and sat outside in the fresh air to read the paper.


About an hour later I was in the supermarket next to the coffee shop when I saw Mr Stinky in the cereal and spreads aisle. I couldn't help myself ... my social conscience was pricked ... I went to the toileteries aisle and grabbed a can of home brand deodorant. I tailed Mr Stinky until his attention was taken by the myriad choices of canned tuna, and placed the deodorant in his trolley, carefully burying it under a DIY pizza and a 12-pack of Sorbent.


Did I do the right thing? I like to think so. I really hope he took it home and started using it. It's more likely that he gave it to the checkout person and said it wasn't his. But maybe I've given him a fresh new lease on life. Or at least dropped a hint ...