Mobile Phone Wankers

I thought the days when people talked inappropriately loudly on their mobile phones had gone. I saw a lot of it in the 90s, when the phenomenon was new - you wanted people to see how cool you were, that you were following the tech trends. But now, in an age when there seem to be more mobile phones than people, why do some people insist on drawing attention to themselves when they're on the phone? All it does is annoy people like me, who have to fight to restrain the urge to grab the phone and shove it up the user's arse. I often throw my "keep it down, you tosser" look at offenders, but it usually does nothing - they're either so wrapped up in the conversation or so determined to look like a twat, that they don't care. Maybe it's the fact that we have shorter fuses these days that makes us want to punch them in the face?
So here's what I'm going to do next time I encounter a shouty mobile user: wait till they finish the call (after all, it's polite to) and ask them the time by shouting the question at them: "DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?!" When they ask why you're shouting, just say "Sorry, but the way you were talking on the phone, I assumed you were talking to a fellow deaf person."

Talking loudly on mobile phones - it's not big and it's not clever.

Note to Americans: mobile phone = cellphone; arse = ass/butt; twat = dickhead.

Top 3 Celebrities I'd Most Like To Slap

Be honest ... you've looked at at least one celebrity and thought "I'd just love to smack you right in the cakehole." I have - plenty of times - and now in my mind I keep a personal Top 3 Celebrities I'd Most Like To Slap. The truth is that there are so many slap-worthy celebs, it's difficult to choose who makes the cut, so my criteria is how they treat others - those who are unnecessarily mean to those they come in contact with. So who's top of my list? Who else but Queen Bitch himself - Elton John - a moody, bitter, spiteful arsehole who needs a good slap round the chops with a piece of wet fish. At number 2 currently (my list changes depending on who's behaving badly at the time) is Naomi Campbell, another has-been who needs to pull her head in and realise that the world doesn't revolve around her, the fish-faced troll. At number 3, it's a photo-finish between the hideous offspring of scruffy gits Ozzy Osbourne and Bob Geldof - Kelly and Bananas or whatever her name is. They've both acted like spoiled twats their whole lives and, until they finally understand that being born into fame and cash doesn't make you better than everyone else, I think we should legally be allowed to slap them red raw.
Paris Hilton has drifted in and out of my Top 3, but slapping her would be a waste of energy. And I'm pretty sure she's too thick to feel it anyway.
So who are the top 3 celebrities you'd most like to slap?

Spam, spam, spam, egg, chips & spam

Spam - a portmanteau of 'spiced ham' - was, along with corned beef, part of the lard-controlled diet of your average kid in 70s England. Why is it now the name for uninvited junk email?
This week, bollocks.com.au has received a ridiculous amount of spam. It wouldn't be so bad if these losers with nothing better to do than send this crap out could think of a subject line that would even remotely interest the average human, and therefore make them decide to open it.
Here are some of the names of this week's collection: Goodiest proposal / I wish you good day! / I want to find friend! / I hope, you will read it! / I will glad to know you! / Go left after the next right (spam SatNav?) And then there's the endless spam promising to cure your lack of ... um ... stiffness: Virility paradise is here / Having issues with your manhood? / Keep her up all night! (an email about coffee?) / She likes getting slap on the ass (ooh, classy). And what about some of the senders' names? I will glad to know you! was sent by Courtney Dick ... as if I'm gonna open that! Actually I did, but that's not the point. I've heard that if you open spam emails, the sender somehow becomes aware that your email address is 'live'. Bollocks.