5 Regrets From MMIX (that's 2009 in fancy speak)

Paul Anka got it all wrong when he penned the words, "Regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention". Bollocks has had a few regrets in 2009 and just enough to mention in this here web log.
We all know what Anka rhymes with.


5. The demise of the Slovak koruna probably isn't in everyone's list of 2009 regrets but we at Bollocks feel it deserves a place here if only out of sympathy; it really was the little currency that couldn't. Lasting just over fourteen years, Slovakia's currency was shunted on January 1st for the Euro (bully).
It really is a travesty but luckily korunas can be exchanged at your local NBS (National Bank of Slovakia) branch until 2013. Phew!


4. This petition was rejected by the British government:
'We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Protect British Culture - Protect British Boosh.' This was rejected as it is not inside the remit of the government but it should be. American broadcasters are bidding for rights to make a local version of the Mighty Boosh which is a hideous idea but this goes much deeper than Boosh. For too long Yanks have been stealing ideas and making shoddy attempts at British (and Australian - Kath and Kim is one shining example) shows, most of which were originally intended as comedies but become something far more sinister in the home of the brave.
Kirstie Alley was cast in a pilot for a remake of The Vicar of Dibley reimagined as The Minister Of Devine, which hardly deserves to be set in italics because it doesn't exist. Executives stated the show lacked a crucial quality - it wasn't funny. And that's saying something judging by the tripe they allow on American television.
Germans aren't exempt from this either, commissioning Das iTeam, their version of The IT Crowd. It was cancelled shortly after airing. Seems like they just couldn't fight facts: Germans aren't funny.


3. 2009's resolutions weren't kept which is a shame because Bollocks was really determined this year! On New Year's Day we sat down and outlined 5 things we'd like to do this year and now, 2 days from 2010, all bar four (so one) were kept. No. 5 was easy on paper - grow a beard, but proved harder than Kanye keeping his opinions to himself. In at No. 4 we had 'give country music a go'. We boiled the kettle, sat down and put on Keith Urban's Somebody Like You. The music stopped at the line "I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made". Glad you could forgive yourself Keithy, we couldn't.
No. 3 stated we had to watch a sunrise. Suffice to say we didn't and settled instead for Channel 7's Sunrise. You have to get up just as early and it's just as painful to watch for prolonged periods. Mission No. 2 for this year was to finish a cryptic crossword. One of many clues that stumped us was 'Greetings Mrs Marples (said to be an unprepossessing creature)'. Quit the riddles and say what you mean crossword!
Admittedly the one resolution we kept was never in doubt, but in hindsight doesn't actually make any sense. It read 'don't break this resolution'. We're still scratching our heads.


2. Revelation is Peter Andre's "comeback" album. Peter, mate, wherever you've come back from, could you not have stayed there? Bollocks cannot verify this but we heard you were in prison for three years for abuse to music. Please confirm or deny.
We have not listened to the album, having only briefly considered purchase for use as a coaster, but can tell by song titles alone that this is a ripper of a release. Track four, The Way You Move (Up In Here) shows Pete's party side, track eight Outta Control shows his rebellious side (see what he did there joining 'out' and 'of' together? Such a bad ass), and track nine displays his lovin' side: XOXO.
For us he hits the nail on the head with track six, Go Back. Ponce.


1. This guy:

Two years since his inauguration and Bollocks still cannot find the words to aptly describe Kevin Michael Rudd. The closest we can come is smarmy prat.

Forget Whaling For Five Minutes...

Just a short one this week.


With all the focus on whaling and its negative impacts, some may not realise the effects that shark hunting is having. Check out this link to see what I'm talking about: http://seashepherds.ning.com/group/SharkShepherds/forum/topics/operation-trident-sos-now
It is a call to action from the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society (SSCS) regarding NOW Foods and its production of Shark Cartilage Caps which as SSCS puts it "are seriously causing negative impacts on the ocean's ecosystem and ... massive decline of 250 targeted shark species that are now threatened or endangered". To their credit Nutrition House and Holista Health (two of the culprits) responded promptly and agreed that "any harvesting of sharks at this time creates a potential for ecological harm". They both also stated there would be a stop in purchasing Shark Cartilage raw materials and production of Shark Cartilage products.
This is of course good news but another issue continues to ravage shark populations worldwide.
Finning can be defined as the removal and retention of shark fins and the discard at sea of the carcass. Fins are a delicacy in some asian cooking, primarily shark fin soup. There are laws which prevent finning but they are obviously lax as each year 73 million sharks are killed. How long can this continue before the 440 or so species are whittled down to 200, 50, 10?


In the United States, Senator John Kerry has introduced The Shark Conservation Act which would "ban removal of shark fins at sea, close other loopholes in the current U.S. shark finning law and promote the conservation of sharks internationally". This bill is currently pending in the Senate but you can help by sending a letter to your local Senator (if you live in the US) at http://actionnetwork.org/campaign/sharkconservationact/nqrj7e7j6n?source=pewsharks
If you live in the EU visit http://www.scribd.com/doc/20481649/Shark-Alliance-Pocket-Guide-to-Helping-Sharks to assist in pushing Spain (Europe's leader in shark fishing/hunting) to stop stalling and ratify amendments in the EU constitution essential for the end to this atrocious practice.
For those in Australia, or worldwide for that matter, sign the petition at http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/400108473?ltl=1178439019 which is aiming to stop the distribution of shark fins.
If you're still not convinced by the facts or unsure whether you want to sign a petition, take a look at www.alibaba.com, search 'shark' and see what comes up. While you're there send the suppliers a message, but be polite, we wouldn't want to offend these useless twats.

Hungry For More?

For a city so grand in size, many of us venture so little into Sydney. For the most part we barely scratch the surface of this sprawling suburbia's culinary world. If you ever doubted the extent to which this is a multicultural city, look no further than its cafés and restaurants as a measure.


Whether you're visiting or a native, here are five eateries to try in Sydney:


5. Coco Cubano - http://www.cococubano.com/ - is situated in King's Cross' heart; what better place to start a night out? Think of a mix between Max Brenner, Havana and Underbelly and you'll be on the right track. Once you get past the price (almost $8 for a small hot chocolate but justifiable when you're on Darlinghurst Road) you'll be welcomed into a place very different from the norm; how many Cuban-themed cafés can you think of? And how many do you know with a humidor, each cigar with suggestions of what drink best to accompany it?
Its stylish interior is at odds with the bustling Cross, the perfect place from which to people watch with a cocktail, ice cream or chocolate-based snack in hand.
This is a fairly new establishment but already a Taylor Square branch has opened; a sign of success or eagerness? Either way it's worth a try for something different or if you feel like channeling the spirit of Fidel Castro ... oh scratch that, he's not dead yet.
Note that the Coco Cubano website is under construction. Call 02 9816 4777 for more info.


4. Twisted Noodle could be at the more populated end of Dixon St but perhaps that's its advantage, appealing to the Karaoke crowd who want something a little more secluded after belting out several Bon Jovi classics. This informal restaurant has a menu with customisable options for beef and rice noodles which in itself may be fairly standard but it's the quality of food and attentiveness of staff that place it on this list.
There are a couple of surprise options for dinner (Pig blood with chives is one) but overall it's pretty simple food from a limited menu with sour and chilli options ranging from nil to extreme (judging by the strength of medium chilli, extreme can only be a joke).
Hearty food and more relaxed than much of Chinatown.
No website currently exists. Call 02 9267 2327 for more info.


3. La Guillotine - http://www.laguillotine.com/ - has been around for over 40 years which is surely a long stretch for a French restaurant in Sydney. The website proudly boasts it's "still as intimate" and rightly so, this Kent St venue is metres from busy George St but cosy, dark and slightly messy in a controlled sort of way. The staff wear mismatching t-shirts which says something of its personality. It's stylish but doesn't have to prove it and for a moment you feel like you could be a local in a Parisian eatery.
Foodwise it's what you'd expect from French stereotypes: Pâté de campagne aux foie de poulet et lardons (Chicken liver and pork pâté) or Escargots cuits dans leurs coquilles avec un beurre a l'ail (Snails with garlic and parsley butter) for starters and Tournedo Rossini servi sur un lit de pomme lyonnaise (Beef with Foie Gras) or Magret de canard aux griottes confites au kirsh sur un gratin de pommes de terre (Duck with Cherry and Kirsch sauce) for mains. Specialties include mussels and omelettes and a considerable wine list is available before you catch a movie at the cinema complex behind. Just don't watch that new one with Sarah Jessica Parker, it's enough to put you off your meal.


2. Stuyvesant's House - www.stuyvesantshouse.com - has its origins in Grossgartach and Frankenbach in Germany, where head chefs Rudi and Max Dietzles learned their trade. Their motto is "good food makes good people" which on the surface seems absurd; surely good people are made from the same things as bad: flesh, blood, hair, etc. But I suspect this is not meant to be taken literally. It makes more sense after sampling the moustached duo's menu which contains ten varients of schnitzel (including salmon), five sorts of lobster, four sorts of oyster, clam chowder and Gloria's cousin haringsla vanderbilt (Herring marinated in apples, gherkins and sour cream). There's a sprinkling of Indonesian in the mix (not sure why) with all the German meat dishes you could wish for.
The restaurant's external appearance makes you feel as though you're entering someone's home and Rudi and Max along with their staff are so welcoming you feel like you've been invited over for dinner.
One of Sydney's most authentic German restaurants and definitely a highlight of the north shore.


1. Sydney Cove Oyster Bar - www.sydneycoveoysterbar.com - is undoubtedly the best place for breakfast, lunch or dinner if you want a view of the Sydney Harbour Bridge and surrounds. From Circular Quay it is simply amazing to gaze unobstructed across the water as you finish off 2, 3 or 7 oyster shots whilst the sun sets above you.
Their menu and wine list are everchanging so there is plenty to keep you coming back for, not least of which the formentioned shots containing an oyster and spirit or liqueur (try the mango puree).
On the menu you'll find many types of exotic fish and crustacean dishes as well as duck breast and black angus sirloin but it's not vegetarian-friendly with a lone tasting plate the mains option.
Judging by the price of coffee - four dollars - it's reasonably priced for its location but not hard to rack up a sizeable bill. Advisable to make friends with the Swiss tourists on the next table and tell the waitress they're paying ala Dumb and Dumber.

These Are A Few Of My Least Favourite Things

The Blog is Back! For the first time in just shy of one-and-a-half years, the Bollocks Blog returns bigger and better. I was tossing up between a critique of Leo Tolstoy's The Kreutzer Sonata and a compilation of generally annoying things as the topic for this monumental occasion; opted for the latter as I have not read The Kreutzer Sonata nor had I heard of it before today.

N.B. Blog will most likely be neither bigger nor better.

5. People who cannot grasp the concept of queues. You know the type, there's a clear line in front of a cashier or ticket office and someone feigning misdirection will wander into your line of sight just in time for them to be called up as the next customer.

It's either this or they will pretend they didn't know there was a queue and sneak in from the side. Wow, we didn't see you there Mr. Ninja-man, prat.

The third variant on the queue-cheating system is significantly more blatant (as commonly practised in parts of south-east Asia). This is where after eventually getting to the front of a queue, the people behind come from all directions to completely surround you as if you are either non-existent or a placard claiming 'Next Bus Leaving In Ten Minutes'. What makes this scenario worse is that the person working behind the counter complies with this line abuse.

I'm proposing to my local member for parliament that all, ALL, queues in this country if not the world are ticketed. If a supermarket deli counter can do it why can't a 5-star hotel?

4. These Emails:

Beneficiary.

It is a profound gratitude communicating

with you through this medium. We

SUPER ENALOTTO International wish

to inform you that your em

ail address with

Ticket Number: 5-9-25-30-76-81,

Serial number 2443-05, File reference number:

EG/069713160012 won prize fund of

€515,810.00 Euros categorically

in our lottery program.

Please contact our FOREIGN TRANSFER MANAGER.

PROSEGUR SEGURIDAD. S.L.

Dr. Don. Antonio Maretti.

Telephone:+34 672 552 735.

Email: proseguritt@aim.com

or

GREETINGS, I seek your assistance on a business transaction that will be of mutual benefits. Kindly email me your name, company name (if any), your address, telephone and fax number. On your response, I will send you the full details and more information about myself and the funds. Kindly reply through my private email marmrtncrtt@aol.com Yours sincerely, Mr.martins Cerutti.

I am yet to receive my money, which is frustrating because I even emailed these kind people my date of birth, names of immediate family members, blood type, BSB and account number, with a photo of myself taken last holiday.

3. People still on pocket money who insist on writing autobiographies and releasing greatest hits. Case in point Miley Cyrus who in early 2009 brought out Miles To Go, the story of her life so far. Now I'm not debating that she hasn't a story to tell (as riveting as that would be), it's just that - and this is directed at the author - , if there are miles to go, leave it until you run out of gas.

But no, she's a moneymaking machine and she cannot be stopped. Which brings me to the second sad case of bad advice leading to bad decisions: Nikki Webster. The 22-year old's first album was released in August 2001. 3 years and 2 more beautifully crafted albums later she brings us The Best of Nikki Webster, 14 of her greatest (and only) tracks. Makes a good coaster.

2. Americans. This might not be the most culturally sensitive idea for a topic in a list of things that annoy me but it just has to be stated. I come across American people every day and I do encounter some genuinely nice ones ...

But, the rest may as well have been raised by something less than human, something that brings up their young to talk to fellow humans as if they're a) mentally challenged; b) from another planet; or c) less important because they're not American.

Or perhaps this is just how these people talk to each other on a daily basis. You be the judge from this example: A Hawaiian woman once called me racist because I apparently didn't understand her pathetic rant about nothing in particular. In truth she didn't understand but that didn't stop her from shouting in a busy public area, "Is it because of the colour of my skin?" The irony is that I wasn't racist before I met her but I was that much closer after.

1. Fashion. It's just not needed is it? What kind of society is dictated by some ponce in France who found a neon singlet in his closet and showed it his friend Marcel who then paraded it on the catwalk? How is it that something worn can be an ongoing source of amusement to others? "I can't believe he wore purple moccasins with a denim waist jacket and speedos." If he wants to wear it, let him. And if she wants to wear polar fleece mittens with beige leggings and an elbow piercing, let her.

I've never seen anyone wearing either of those outfits (one guy on Pitt Street came close) but you get the point. Fashion is a cyclical monster that must be ignored. If it feels good wear it, and wear it with pride.

Ah, but what about ugly people I hear you ask. That's altogether different. They must be berated at every opportunity until the uglies are gone.