On Hold

They call it progress but technology is for the most part a pile of crap. And most of today's customer service can also be put in the 'crap' pile. I could leave it there and everyone will know what I'm talking about but for the purposes of padding this out a little and airing my grievances, I'll elaborate.

Today I had some technical difficulties with my internet connection and called the service provider to assist me. I was greeted by several different recorded voices asking me to say my phone number into the phone. After five attempts it accepted. Then I was kindly informed by another voice (this time a charming American accent) that my call would be answered in around twenty minutes. So nothing to do but sit back, relax and enjoy the musical stylings of ... Oh that's right. you don't play real music. Instead it's a mix between Kenny G and SARS. To mix it up a little you'll play what can only be described as the deformed twin of Muzak. (How did they ever go bankrupt with every hotline on the planet playing it incessantly?)

To their credit I was relieved of the pain in my ears after only seventeen minutes. A guy answered who I'll call Jim-Bob because I can't remember his real name. Jim-Bob was definitely friendly but so friendly that it bordered on creepy. He started by taking my name before commenting that it's a very nice name and very short and fitting. I then told him my problem and asked if he could help. He assured me he could because this is what he enjoys and that he will help me with anything I need because we're buddies.

I double-checked the 1300 number I had dialled to make sure it wasn't a man-man chatline. It wasn't which made it more disturbing.

In amongst the weird chitchat Jim-Bob was quite helpful but sometimes I wish people would quit with the formalities and get to the point. He kept telling me how he could do something and would do something and how happy he was to do it. As Elvis wisely sang, "A little less conversation, a little more action please". 

My question is, who trains these people to be so chummy? Or was he just a happy man? My guess is the latter because I called another internet helpline a short time later and the lady who answered was quite blunt. Come to think of it she was fairly rude and sounded bored; maybe it was her last day on the job.

If only more people had her attitude.

Open Letter To Braggers

This is an open letter to the braggers out there.


Every so often I come across your type; loud, talkative, uninterested in those around them but strangely entertaining, like watching a building implode. You will happily control a conversation on your terms, letting everyone in earshot know how much you earn or where you've been or who you've met.


I don't care.


You'll get frustrated when a new topic arises and it doesn't revolve around you. Thinking quickly you'll find a tenuous link as to how it does relate to you, thus swiftly guiding the chat to your side of the court.


I don't care.


A third person joins the discussion. A breath of fresh air. A different voice for just five minutes at least. But no, instead you regale him or her with the same tales of nothingness you've just dumped on me. I'm sure we're all impressed with your salary that is so much greater than ours.


I don't care.


There comes a point where I start to think that not only is this laborious to listen to, but it is not possible that these conquests, scenarios and encounters actually happened. So you're a fishmonger by trade but also designed an airport, rode military aircraft, argued with celebrities over unpaid fees and are buying a Jaguar because you have to. The list goes on. You have travelled to every continent on earth (and presumably some that have not yet been discovered), you also designed something that is top secret so you are forbidden from revealing its details.


You are not James Bond.


Not content with just unloading this mostly usless information on us, you treat everything like a competition. Saying "I won" when you complete a task that no one else attempted does not seem fair. But please, take all the glory, of which there is none to take.


You are a tool.


How you have the hide to then complain about your situation is beyond me and oh so irksome. "Oh I have to travel overseas with my $150,000/year and classic car but it's going to be cold." Buy a fur coat and gold-plated slippers you twat.


Such a tool.


But I will say this: Thanks for the entertainment, prawns and beer.

Back In 14,700 Minutes

We're taking a week off. I'd say it's because of holiday or other commitments but it's out of laziness more than anything else.
I would however like to thank the bus driver who swore at me earlier this week. It's people like you Mr. Driver that make our transport system what it is today: a massive joke.

5 Must Haves And Must Nots For This Decade

1 week into 2010 and it's not impressive. Nothing at all like the film 2010, in which humans have made contact with aliens and supercomputers such as HAL exist aboard spacecraft. Nor is it like 2010 as portrayed by The Simpsons, where CNNBCBS exists as a combination of America's television networks. Although they may as well be with the amount of inanely superfluous programming we are subjected to these days. Which brings me to number five on the list.


5. Reality Television is up there with terrorism as an unnecessary evil. The only saving grace are the titles; they don't mess about. Take Amish In The City, Elimidate, Wife Swap, or Farmer Wants A Wife - all great examples of TV execs getting straight to the point. You'll never hear anyone say, "What's Who Wants To Marry My Dad about?"
It's not all dating and talent quests though, with some shows surely bordering on the illegal and perverse. Case in point Japan's Susunu! Denpa Shōnen, which put a naked man in an apartment for a year-and-a-half and made him win clothes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di-cjruci-0&feature=related
I once heard a comedian say, "What part of eating bulls' testicles whilst hanging upside down is reality?" That sums it up for me. But now, after discovering video of LaToya Jackson being tasered (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by5_8SpGX-E), I'm undecided.


4. The English Language seems to be dying out. I don't mean dying out as in we'll all be speaking French in 2013 but in that English as we knew it ten years ago has changed dramatically, primarily due to computer abbreviations and text speak (txtspk) - the hideous result of the economy of language used in mobile phones so as not to incur a dreaded charge for spilling on to a second text message.
I was once pilloried for using a ten letter word in a message; apparently it's not cricket to type things in full anymore. And apparently all messages should read something like this: "gr8 1ce u c it well meet. wots ur addy cos idk whr! cyt."
d wrld iz feckD!


3. Children's Television used to be great. With compelling storylines up there with the likes of Law and Order and The Bill, it was part and parcel of a morning as you hastily dressed for school. Shows like Postman Pat had it all nicely packed into fifteen minutes. Who can forget classic episodes such as Postman Pat And The Hole In The Road or Postman Pat and The Tuba? Then there's Fireman Sam - the hero next door, who continuously entertained with pals Elvis Cridlington, Basil Steele and Penny Morris.
Now when I turn on the TV see IgglePiggle and a Tombliboo and nothing happens! It's as if all the ideas for children's television have been exhausted and since The Teletubbies, it's been a combination of nonsensical names and bright colours. I can imagine those charged with concocting these ideas in a brainstorming session:


Man 1: Now so far we've got a show set in a fantasy land with four characters but we need some names. Anyone?


Woman 1: The land should be called Cobbleponsington or Spodderchawdletart.


Man 2: I like Cobbleponsington, it's different. How about the main character is called Cynanche? And his friends are Impetigo, Podagra, and Billy?


Man 1: The first three are diseases ... I like it. Billy's no good though.


2. People Who Stop Unannounced And Stand Obstructively should be counselled, or even better sent to a 100 square metre island where they can perpetually get in each other's way. Especially evident in old people and tourists, this condition (for lack of a better word) is immensely frustrating to the average, normal human. I'll set the scene and give warning signs for those who don't know the type (hard to believe). You're walking down a busy footpath and a person (usually badly dressed) stops dead, scratches their head, turns 360 degrees and scratches their head once more before either walking on or continuing to stand motionless for who knows how long.
Now fair enough, people get lost and confused (especially when they're old or foreign) but if you do, move out of the way, preferably into the road. We're not standing in an open field, it's a path barely wide enough for two people to walk down as it is. If society hasn't eradicated this blight by December 31st 2019, I'm moving to Antarctica.


1. Scientology makes it to number one with ease. As we all know, once you die that's it. No reincarnation, no trips to purgatory and nothing pulling you towards a white light. Now Scientologists may agree with me there but apparently we are immortal spiritual beings which makes much more sense.
Tom Cruise once stated, "When you are a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident it's not like anyone else. You drive past, you know you have to do something about it because you know you are the only one that can really help. So people, now when you see two cars smash into each other do not under any circumstances call the emergency services - they cannot help. Simply dial 1-8-0-0-E-M-E-T-E-R and you will be audited, sorry I mean assisted, as soon as possible.
The church even has its own cruise chip, Freewinds which hosts the usual - jazz concerts, movie performances, training for Operating Thetan level eight and various other surely harmless activities. You know how the old saying goes, 'What happens on Freewinds, costs several thousand dollars'.
For more useful info on this religion/sect, visit this page: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xevBWYRMqq0