For Richer Or For Poorer

It's front page news. The talk of the town. "The most discussed relationship in Australian sport" as the Sydney Morning Herald puts it, is over. No, it's not Peter Sterling's relationship with Blue Haven Pools, but the union of Michael Clarke and Lara Bingle. Such a shame too because they'd just passed their 3rd anniversary (leather in anniversary gift terms) and were one year short of the linen/silk stage. What a pity.

I am of course being extremely sarcastic and do not care that they are not together, nor should anyone other than those concerned and their immediate friends and family. But in a society where we're more interested in the latest trend than the latest tragedy, it comes as no surprise that a woman - who as far as anyone can tell does nothing for a living - has been paid over $200,000 for her "story".

It's even more absurd that this happens just as Clarke's PR firm states the former couple "ask the media to respect their privacy during this difficult time. No further comment will be made." The next sentence should have read, "But if you want all the details buy the next issue of Woman's Day - It's Your Day!"

She should not have the option of selling her pointless story to anyone for such ludicrous amounts but we the public feed this monster on a daily basis. Our insatiable quest for the latest and greatest celebrity event knows no bounds, vicariously seeking out the most depraved acts to cast our opinions upon and empathise with yet let the tables be turned and the spotlight would blind us.

The biggest lesson to come out of this, one that no one has yet mentioned, is never shower. We can all take something from that.

Top 3 Celebrities I'd Most Like To Slap

Be honest ... you've looked at at least one celebrity and thought "I'd just love to smack you right in the cakehole." I have - plenty of times - and now in my mind I keep a personal Top 3 Celebrities I'd Most Like To Slap. The truth is that there are so many slap-worthy celebs, it's difficult to choose who makes the cut, so my criteria is how they treat others - those who are unnecessarily mean to those they come in contact with. So who's top of my list? Who else but Queen Bitch himself - Elton John - a moody, bitter, spiteful arsehole who needs a good slap round the chops with a piece of wet fish. At number 2 currently (my list changes depending on who's behaving badly at the time) is Naomi Campbell, another has-been who needs to pull her head in and realise that the world doesn't revolve around her, the fish-faced troll. At number 3, it's a photo-finish between the hideous offspring of scruffy gits Ozzy Osbourne and Bob Geldof - Kelly and Bananas or whatever her name is. They've both acted like spoiled twats their whole lives and, until they finally understand that being born into fame and cash doesn't make you better than everyone else, I think we should legally be allowed to slap them red raw.
Paris Hilton has drifted in and out of my Top 3, but slapping her would be a waste of energy. And I'm pretty sure she's too thick to feel it anyway.
So who are the top 3 celebrities you'd most like to slap?