Bollocks

This blog has moved

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 10:40:00 +0000

This blog is now located at http://blog.bollocks.com.au/.
You will be automatically redirected in 30 seconds, or you may click here.

For feed subscribers, please update your feed subscriptions to
http://blog.bollocks.com.au/feeds/posts/default.

The Great Unwashed

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 07:44:00 +0000

I saw a man today wash his hands under cold water for between one and two seconds, no soap necessary. This for him constituted a wash. This for me constituted a waste of time; if you're going to do that you may as well not do it at all. It also meant that whoever and whatever he came in contact with from then on was going to get a handful of healthy germs smeared on them. All he achieved in doing this was giving bacteria a bath.
The World Health Organisation recommends we wash our hands for between 15 and 20 seconds. Many world governments offer posters, pamphlets and press releases regarding hand washing. These actually show us step-by-step how to clean ourselves properly.What's most amazing about this is the fact that they have to do it. What kind of society needs to be told? Why are people not bothered about their hygiene to the point where barely washing or not washing their hands at all is suffice? I'm sure no one steps into the shower for ten seconds before drying off so why is this okay?
This isn't okay and here are a few reasons why:

The number of germs on your fingertips doubles after you use the toilet.
There can be between 2 and 10 million bacteria from fingertip to the base of your hand.
800 new food poisoning cases occur every hour in Australia.
One in six "wash" their hands with a quick rinse of cold running water.

If people continue to do this is will render taps obsolete and put Royal Doulton out of business. Do you want that on your conscience?

Operation Waltzing Matilda

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 08:10:00 +0000

Only a quick note this week. I want to draw your attention to this link: http://www.seashepherd.org/news-and-media/news-100412-1.html, which highlights the success of Operation Waltzing Matilda - Sea Shepherd's Whale Defense Campaign. 528 whales were saved during this operation, which is their "biggest impact on the whale quota to date".
Sea Shepherd's work is vital and is only possible with the help of the worldwide community. Please help if you can at this page http://www.seashepherd.org/support-us/ and to show we're serious we will donate 50% of t-shirt profits to Sea Shepherd this week only.

Very Much Hurtings My Brainings

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 05:57:00 +0000

We've touched on this before but it's worth going over a little more thoroughly as it's a vital issue in today's society and well, it annoys me.

The title refers to the clutter you receive in your inbox, often daily, offering great new products at a great price. What these products are is anyone's guess as the writer employs hyperbole and a use of English reserved for day one at (a special) primary school.

Read the following email received in the bollocks inbox recently then we shall discuss further.

Hi friend,

- Do you want to save more of your time and to buy more preferential prices of goods satisfy you? do you want your transactions more secure?Then please visit my website. my company have all kinds of products and price concessions,We only accept Paypal transactions : )

- Welcome to(Accept paypal)website:( tranfast.net )
- We are the exoprting wholesale company,we supply including:shoes bags,clothes,belt and so on.and we can give you a best price. we are looking for business,Our company accept paypal payment,Top quality with original packing.please be sure of your purchase. and please contact with us

- Good luck to you every day......

Now because the English language has been diced, blended, drank, then excreted in this example, I have several questions directed squarely at the author. Firstly, who taught you english? Secondly, who taught them English? Are you really that confident in your use of a foreign language? Proofread? When did we become friends?

I'll answer these questions for you in much the same style as your e-marketing nonsense. Donkey, very much happy goodness, overcast with a chance of rain, Michael J. Fox, big byes many and.

If you can't even spell brand names correctly on your website (Christan Audigie), how do you suppose you will gain my business by email? So please do not contact me. After all, even you state: "Our target customers are from Western Europe and the North of America". We sometimes call this Canada by the way.

Harakiri or Kekiri?

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 15:34:00 +0000

In news this week, a Hong Kong man has attempted to kill himself by entering a cucumber into his anus. 62-year old Chin Wei stated he inserted the elongated fruit as a self-improvised method of seppuku or harakiri - the ancient Japanese ritual in which one sinks a short blade into the abdomen.
Or at least that's what I'd have said.
When questions inevitably began to be asked, the truth wouldn't have been so easy to spit out. Especially when it was the man's daughter who found him. You can imagine that conversation as she comforted him at his hospital bedside:
Daughter: So why'd you have a cucumber sticking out of your arse earlier?
Chin Wei: What? Sorry? Me?
Daughter: Yeah you. You had it well up there. Anything I should know?
Chin Wei: Ohhh, nooooo nothing.
Daughter: You're not ... are you?
Chin Wei: Trying to kill myself. Alright? Shall we leave it, yeah?

Even if it was a variation on harakiri, it's a little far fetched considering it was often reserved for samurai who chose to die with honour instead of being taken by the enemy. Not that much honour in being found dead with an uncut eye mask sticking out of yourself. Also, did he really think a cucumber was going to do the job? Blunt, soft and edible are all descriptions not commonly fit for a weapon capable of murder so why did Mr. Wei think differently?
The main thing is he's okay. Thank god his daughter found him in that pickle, or found that pickle in him.

The Homeless

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 13:53:00 +0000

Are you like most people and blank homeless people when they approach to ask for funds? Do you pretend to be on the phone or put your headphones on just as they come into view? I'm not putting a guilt trip on you for having the societal values of a lemon; I do it too. But it is interesting the conversations had when you do take a second to listen. And I'm not talking about hearing their life story or how they became stuck in a rut (that's for people with stronger moral fibre than I), I'm talking about the reasons homeless cite for needing money.

You can admit it, when you're asked for money your ingrained cynicism immediately ticks the drugs and booze column. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. The other day I had an Aboriginal lady ask me for 40 cents. 40 cents? I thought if you're going to ask for money why not ask for a little more. But she had a reason - it was to pay for her Aunt's bus ticket. Fair enough, I have no reason to question that. In the same spot a week earlier a man was requesting cash but was not giving a reason. Maybe this lack of information is a telltale sign you're funding a life of alcohol and substance abuse.

The other way rough sleepers make it known they're in need of assistance is with signs. Always well written block letters, somehow at odds with the person beside it. Ken Johnson, a 52-year old living institution who resides on the corner of George and Market Sts in Sydney's CBD, changes his message occasionally but there's always one constant - "Not for drugs". He says it's to help a friend who is in need of a liver transplant. He sits there, all worldly possessions surrounding him, for well over one hundred hours a week and at an estimate earns AU$50,000 per year yet still cannot afford to move off the streets.
Many years ago I was asked by a man for a dollar. I politely declined. He insulted me before responding: "You'd give it to a bus driver!". I thought to myself, "Yes I would because he takes me places. He provides a service. He participates in society. If you want my help that's not the right way about it". But I've since considered his statement was unwittingly prophetic. Many of us only give out of necessity, not out of kind-spirited volition. If we're honest with ourselves, maybe these people will be too.

Madhouse of Representatives

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 15:29:00 +0000

Has anyone seen Question Time recently? You know, the show with these really bad actors pretending to deal with important issues affecting our country?
In truth, our politicians' behaviour in this arena is nothing short of childish. It is one thing to discuss passionately your views and those of others but in this controlled medium where there are rules and regulations - some dating back to 1900 - it seems inappropriate to do so by standing and shouting across a room. Harry Jenkins Jr., the current speaker of the house, has a tough job keeping all in check. He's been in this job for just two years and already sounds sick of it. Half the time he isn't listened to or obeyed, much like a school teacher's attempts to subdue her class.
But unlike a class of kids, these are fully grown men and women. Members of Parliament. Prime Ministers. They will often debate topics that are critical to Australia's future; the discussions are more often than not interesting to listen to. That is however before these same men and women pipe up with incessant chants of "rabble, rabble" as South Park would put it. On occasions warnings are issued under Standing Orders. On rarer occasions expulsions are issued for one hour.
I find a great juxtaposition to be the respect held for the speaker when addressing parliament in contrast to the disobedience to the speaker when he is attempting to regain control of the house.
A typical couple of minutes in the House of Reps goes like this:
Mr Rudd - The government, in its response to the challenges of people smuggling, consistent with previous governments, always seeks to act in conformity with the principles and procedures of international humanitarian law (-ORDER!-). We have done so in the past, will do so in the future (-ORDER! ORDER!-) and we assume that those opposite would have done so when they were in government, but perhaps not (-ORDER! The Member for Bass will resume his seat. ORDER! The member for Fadden is warned.-)
In spite of the hollering, bickering, objections and lame jokes, Question Time is quite enjoyable ... or maybe that's because of the hollering, bickering, objections and lame jokes.

For Richer Or For Poorer

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 03:41:00 +0000

It's front page news. The talk of the town. "The most discussed relationship in Australian sport" as the Sydney Morning Herald puts it, is over. No, it's not Peter Sterling's relationship with Blue Haven Pools, but the union of Michael Clarke and Lara Bingle. Such a shame too because they'd just passed their 3rd anniversary (leather in anniversary gift terms) and were one year short of the linen/silk stage. What a pity.

I am of course being extremely sarcastic and do not care that they are not together, nor should anyone other than those concerned and their immediate friends and family. But in a society where we're more interested in the latest trend than the latest tragedy, it comes as no surprise that a woman - who as far as anyone can tell does nothing for a living - has been paid over $200,000 for her "story".

It's even more absurd that this happens just as Clarke's PR firm states the former couple "ask the media to respect their privacy during this difficult time. No further comment will be made." The next sentence should have read, "But if you want all the details buy the next issue of Woman's Day - It's Your Day!"

She should not have the option of selling her pointless story to anyone for such ludicrous amounts but we the public feed this monster on a daily basis. Our insatiable quest for the latest and greatest celebrity event knows no bounds, vicariously seeking out the most depraved acts to cast our opinions upon and empathise with yet let the tables be turned and the spotlight would blind us.

The biggest lesson to come out of this, one that no one has yet mentioned, is never shower. We can all take something from that.

LAS Vegas

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 08:22:00 +0000

A short one this week ... for those dopey twats who can't get this right, let me spell it out for you. Literally:

It's LAS Vegas, not LOS Vegas. It's spelt 'L-A-S' not 'L-O-S'. It's not difficult. Unless you're a mong.

You don't say LAS Angeles, so why do you say LOS Vegas?

Think about it and get it right.

Because it bloody annoys me.

Thank you.

Body Odour

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 08:58:00 +0000

What would you do if someone at your workplace had very noticeable body odour? Would you say something, not knowing how they'd react? Would you just complain to other workmates behind the stinker's back and do nothing? Would you drop hints? Would any of these things improve the situation or just hurt the person's feelings and ruin a working relationship? To be honest, I'm not sure what I'd do but I'd like to relate something that happened to me the other day ...
... I'm ordering a coffee from my local coffee shop when - just as I'm explaining that I want no froth on my flat white - which itself is a blog for another day - this bloke of about 50 stands right next to me. As the first wave of his odour tsunami hit my nostrils, I had to grip the counter in case I passed out. It was the worst B.O. I'd ever experienced. And I've been to India. He moved away from me to check out the pastry display and I regained my senses enough to say to the girl serving me, "Jesus, did you get a whiff of that?" She had. No sooner had the words tumbled from my gob than he was behind me, waiting to order. It was torture. Finally I got my coffee and sat outside in the fresh air to read the paper.

About an hour later I was in the supermarket next to the coffee shop when I saw Mr Stinky in the cereal and spreads aisle. I couldn't help myself ... my social conscience was pricked ... I went to the toileteries aisle and grabbed a can of home brand deodorant. I tailed Mr Stinky until his attention was taken by the myriad choices of canned tuna, and placed the deodorant in his trolley, carefully burying it under a DIY pizza and a 12-pack of Sorbent.

Did I do the right thing? I like to think so. I really hope he took it home and started using it. It's more likely that he gave it to the checkout person and said it wasn't his. But maybe I've given him a fresh new lease on life. Or at least dropped a hint ...

Cloak Rooms - A Hidden Evil

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 07:22:00 +0000

To me a cloak room represents everything that is bad about society today. A place where you are often forced to store items - which you may desperately need - at a cost.
Take for example the cloak room at Acer Arena. First off, it is not explained clearly that bags must be cloaked before attending an event, then when you arrive you must queue for upwards of fifteen minutes with many other disgruntled, sweaty customers. The claim ticket then states that venue staff have no liability for lost or damaged goods. How is this fair? We haven't asked if we can store our belongings; you've forced us to, so take some responsibility. Pregnant women are even told to queue and store their bags - where's the common sense? What if I was to state, "I take no responsibility for lost or stolen claim tickets"? You wouldn't buy it.
At least this venue doesn't charge to store belongings, and chances are you'll get back what you left in one piece. But over at the Enmore Theatre, they pull the same trick but charge you for it, three dollars no less. With this slightly less professional storage system you feel less confident entrusting your possessions with staff. And again, no responsibility will be taken for lost, stolen, mutilated, eaten, regurgitated, sat on, express posted, entombed, boiled, cured or possessed possessions.
My question is, what's going on back there that you can't guarantee the safe return of my property?

Talent Comes In Five Colours

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 02:42:00 +0000

For the first time last night I participated in the phenomenon that is Guitar Hero. I'd never had the slightest inclination to play it before but once I picked up that (pretend) Gibson guitar, I was unfortunately hooked.
I say 'unfortunately' because I always held the opinion that it was a pointless game because you're not actually learning an instrument. I still firmly believe this and when someone said to me, "I don't have a single musical bone in my body, but with this I feel really talented", I thought to myself, "Well you're not muscially talented, you just hit some buttons at the correct time, much like you would playing Tetris, Mortal Kombat, or Lemmings.
It's just that now I can't wait to play it again, and again, and again. Gotta nail Kings Of Leon's Sex on Fire.
All I really want to know is where's the guitar hero that teaches an actual semblance of real guitar? If you are rewarded by singing in Singstar, then why can't you be similarly rewarded in a game with a real guitar? Even the drums in Rock Band resemble drums.
There have been so many amazing advancements in video gaming yet with this we are restricted to five coloured buttons and a white strumming thing.

Or, maybe, just maybe Paul McCartney used a Gibson Les Paul like this:

Self Serves No Purpose

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 11:42:00 +0000

Not many of us remember it but there was a time when a grocery store was a place of utter service. Everything was done for you; it was almost regal. Bread and Milk? Just ask the attendant to fetch it from behind the counter. He might even use a ladder to get it or would have to measure out the amount you wanted.
Then just before the WWI, this evolved into the self service store and America and the world never looked back. We now even have the hypermarket - a combination of supermarket and department store - which may in time see off its creators.
Now this, I have no problem with. Yes it is sad that the corner store is largely a thing of the past but we now have choice and convenience as never before.
What I do have a problem with is serving myself. Anywhere. If I wanted to serve myself I'd shoplift.
Some supermarkets and department stores now insist on inserting self-serve checkout lanes about their premises. I feel like we've taken a humongous step backwards here. Actually no, more like a fall sideways where you grazed your knee but thought, "I was standing perfectly still, how did that happen?".
Is this only the beginning? Will we soon have fully automated, self-stocking stores where the site of a red-haired midget named Gerald employed reluctantly under equal opportunity by the 19-year old manager Mischa is a thing of the past? No more asking where toilet paper is only for the unshaven Steve to shrug and continue listening to Slipknot whilst stacking Weet-Bix? An end to having a the hirsute George wipe his forehead ungloved before handling your six slices of devon?
Well there's good news here. As long as there's credit cards, faulty technology and idiots, there'll be staff to happily serve you. There may only be one, and he may take twelve minutes, but there's staff nonetheless. And it's fair enough too - he was checking everyone's signatures and helping them insert their hard-earned into the ridiculously-difficult-to-use coin machine. Hey come on, don't rush him! He's currently escorting the local special lad Petey out after he shoved croutons down his pants for the third time this week.
Hmmm, not so self serve after all.
The saddest part of this is that tomorrow's youth will stare blankly at the screen when you show them this sketch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ
What a world we live in.

On Hold

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 05:13:00 +0000

They call it progress but technology is for the most part a pile of crap. And most of today's customer service can also be put in the 'crap' pile. I could leave it there and everyone will know what I'm talking about but for the purposes of padding this out a little and airing my grievances, I'll elaborate.

Today I had some technical difficulties with my internet connection and called the service provider to assist me. I was greeted by several different recorded voices asking me to say my phone number into the phone. After five attempts it accepted. Then I was kindly informed by another voice (this time a charming American accent) that my call would be answered in around twenty minutes. So nothing to do but sit back, relax and enjoy the musical stylings of ... Oh that's right. you don't play real music. Instead it's a mix between Kenny G and SARS. To mix it up a little you'll play what can only be described as the deformed twin of Muzak. (How did they ever go bankrupt with every hotline on the planet playing it incessantly?)

To their credit I was relieved of the pain in my ears after only seventeen minutes. A guy answered who I'll call Jim-Bob because I can't remember his real name. Jim-Bob was definitely friendly but so friendly that it bordered on creepy. He started by taking my name before commenting that it's a very nice name and very short and fitting. I then told him my problem and asked if he could help. He assured me he could because this is what he enjoys and that he will help me with anything I need because we're buddies.

I double-checked the 1300 number I had dialled to make sure it wasn't a man-man chatline. It wasn't which made it more disturbing.

In amongst the weird chitchat Jim-Bob was quite helpful but sometimes I wish people would quit with the formalities and get to the point. He kept telling me how he could do something and would do something and how happy he was to do it. As Elvis wisely sang, "A little less conversation, a little more action please".

My question is, who trains these people to be so chummy? Or was he just a happy man? My guess is the latter because I called another internet helpline a short time later and the lady who answered was quite blunt. Come to think of it she was fairly rude and sounded bored; maybe it was her last day on the job.

If only more people had her attitude.

Open Letter To Braggers

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 01:46:00 +0000

This is an open letter to the braggers out there.

Every so often I come across your type; loud, talkative, uninterested in those around them but strangely entertaining, like watching a building implode. You will happily control a conversation on your terms, letting everyone in earshot know how much you earn or where you've been or who you've met.

I don't care.

You'll get frustrated when a new topic arises and it doesn't revolve around you. Thinking quickly you'll find a tenuous link as to how it does relate to you, thus swiftly guiding the chat to your side of the court.

I don't care.

A third person joins the discussion. A breath of fresh air. A different voice for just five minutes at least. But no, instead you regale him or her with the same tales of nothingness you've just dumped on me. I'm sure we're all impressed with your salary that is so much greater than ours.

I don't care.

There comes a point where I start to think that not only is this laborious to listen to, but it is not possible that these conquests, scenarios and encounters actually happened. So you're a fishmonger by trade but also designed an airport, rode military aircraft, argued with celebrities over unpaid fees and are buying a Jaguar because you have to. The list goes on. You have travelled to every continent on earth (and presumably some that have not yet been discovered), you also designed something that is top secret so you are forbidden from revealing its details.

You are not James Bond.

Not content with just unloading this mostly usless information on us, you treat everything like a competition. Saying "I won" when you complete a task that no one else attempted does not seem fair. But please, take all the glory, of which there is none to take.

You are a tool.

How you have the hide to then complain about your situation is beyond me and oh so irksome. "Oh I have to travel overseas with my $150,000/year and classic car but it's going to be cold." Buy a fur coat and gold-plated slippers you twat.

Such a tool.

But I will say this: Thanks for the entertainment, prawns and beer.

Back In 14,700 Minutes

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 07:31:00 +0000

We're taking a week off. I'd say it's because of holiday or other commitments but it's out of laziness more than anything else.
I would however like to thank the bus driver who swore at me earlier this week. It's people like you Mr. Driver that make our transport system what it is today: a massive joke.

5 Must Haves And Must Nots For This Decade

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 15:00:00 +0000

1 week into 2010 and it's not impressive. Nothing at all like the film 2010, in which humans have made contact with aliens and supercomputers such as HAL exist aboard spacecraft. Nor is it like 2010 as portrayed by The Simpsons, where CNNBCBS exists as a combination of America's television networks. Although they may as well be with the amount of inanely superfluous programming we are subjected to these days. Which brings me to number five on the list.

5. Reality Television is up there with terrorism as an unnecessary evil. The only saving grace are the titles; they don't mess about. Take Amish In The City, Elimidate, Wife Swap, or Farmer Wants A Wife - all great examples of TV execs getting straight to the point. You'll never hear anyone say, "What's Who Wants To Marry My Dad about?"
It's not all dating and talent quests though, with some shows surely bordering on the illegal and perverse. Case in point Japan's Susunu! Denpa Shōnen, which put a naked man in an apartment for a year-and-a-half and made him win clothes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di-cjruci-0&feature=related
I once heard a comedian say, "What part of eating bulls' testicles whilst hanging upside down is reality?" That sums it up for me. But now, after discovering video of LaToya Jackson being tasered (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by5_8SpGX-E), I'm undecided.

4. The English Language seems to be dying out. I don't mean dying out as in we'll all be speaking French in 2013 but in that English as we knew it ten years ago has changed dramatically, primarily due to computer abbreviations and text speak (txtspk) - the hideous result of the economy of language used in mobile phones so as not to incur a dreaded charge for spilling on to a second text message.
I was once pilloried for using a ten letter word in a message; apparently it's not cricket to type things in full anymore. And apparently all messages should read something like this: "gr8 1ce u c it well meet. wots ur addy cos idk whr! cyt."
d wrld iz feckD!

3. Children's Television used to be great. With compelling storylines up there with the likes of Law and Order and The Bill, it was part and parcel of a morning as you hastily dressed for school. Shows like Postman Pat had it all nicely packed into fifteen minutes. Who can forget classic episodes such as Postman Pat And The Hole In The Road or Postman Pat and The Tuba? Then there's Fireman Sam - the hero next door, who continuously entertained with pals Elvis Cridlington, Basil Steele and Penny Morris.
Now when I turn on the TV see IgglePiggle and a Tombliboo and nothing happens! It's as if all the ideas for children's television have been exhausted and since The Teletubbies, it's been a combination of nonsensical names and bright colours. I can imagine those charged with concocting these ideas in a brainstorming session:

Man 1: Now so far we've got a show set in a fantasy land with four characters but we need some names. Anyone?

Woman 1: The land should be called Cobbleponsington or Spodderchawdletart.

Man 2: I like Cobbleponsington, it's different. How about the main character is called Cynanche? And his friends are Impetigo, Podagra, and Billy?

Man 1: The first three are diseases ... I like it. Billy's no good though.

2. People Who Stop Unannounced And Stand Obstructively should be counselled, or even better sent to a 100 square metre island where they can perpetually get in each other's way. Especially evident in old people and tourists, this condition (for lack of a better word) is immensely frustrating to the average, normal human. I'll set the scene and give warning signs for those who don't know the type (hard to believe). You're walking down a busy footpath and a person (usually badly dressed) stops dead, scratches their head, turns 360 degrees and scratches their head once more before either walking on or continuing to stand motionless for who knows how long.
Now fair enough, people get lost and confused (especially when they're old or foreign) but if you do, move out of the way, preferably into the road. We're not standing in an open field, it's a path barely wide enough for two people to walk down as it is. If society hasn't eradicated this blight by December 31st 2019, I'm moving to Antarctica.

1. Scientology makes it to number one with ease. As we all know, once you die that's it. No reincarnation, no trips to purgatory and nothing pulling you towards a white light. Now Scientologists may agree with me there but apparently we are immortal spiritual beings which makes much more sense.
Tom Cruise once stated, "When you are a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident it's not like anyone else. You drive past, you know you have to do something about it because you know you are the only one that can really help. So people, now when you see two cars smash into each other do not under any circumstances call the emergency services - they cannot help. Simply dial 1-8-0-0-E-M-E-T-E-R and you will be audited, sorry I mean assisted, as soon as possible.
The church even has its own cruise chip, Freewinds which hosts the usual - jazz concerts, movie performances, training for Operating Thetan level eight and various other surely harmless activities. You know how the old saying goes, 'What happens on Freewinds, costs several thousand dollars'.
For more useful info on this religion/sect, visit this page: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xevBWYRMqq0

5 Regrets From MMIX (that's 2009 in fancy speak)

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 14:18:00 +0000

Paul Anka got it all wrong when he penned the words, "Regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention". Bollocks has had a few regrets in 2009 and just enough to mention in this here web log.
We all know what Anka rhymes with.

5. The demise of the Slovak koruna probably isn't in everyone's list of 2009 regrets but we at Bollocks feel it deserves a place here if only out of sympathy; it really was the little currency that couldn't. Lasting just over fourteen years, Slovakia's currency was shunted on January 1st for the Euro (bully).
It really is a travesty but luckily korunas can be exchanged at your local NBS (National Bank of Slovakia) branch until 2013. Phew!

4. This petition was rejected by the British government:
'We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Protect British Culture - Protect British Boosh.' This was rejected as it is not inside the remit of the government but it should be. American broadcasters are bidding for rights to make a local version of the Mighty Boosh which is a hideous idea but this goes much deeper than Boosh. For too long Yanks have been stealing ideas and making shoddy attempts at British (and Australian - Kath and Kim is one shining example) shows, most of which were originally intended as comedies but become something far more sinister in the home of the brave.
Kirstie Alley was cast in a pilot for a remake of The Vicar of Dibley reimagined as The Minister Of Devine, which hardly deserves to be set in italics because it doesn't exist. Executives stated the show lacked a crucial quality - it wasn't funny. And that's saying something judging by the tripe they allow on American television.
Germans aren't exempt from this either, commissioning Das iTeam, their version of The IT Crowd. It was cancelled shortly after airing. Seems like they just couldn't fight facts: Germans aren't funny.

3. 2009's resolutions weren't kept which is a shame because Bollocks was really determined this year! On New Year's Day we sat down and outlined 5 things we'd like to do this year and now, 2 days from 2010, all bar four (so one) were kept. No. 5 was easy on paper - grow a beard, but proved harder than Kanye keeping his opinions to himself. In at No. 4 we had 'give country music a go'. We boiled the kettle, sat down and put on Keith Urban's Somebody Like You. The music stopped at the line "I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made". Glad you could forgive yourself Keithy, we couldn't.
No. 3 stated we had to watch a sunrise. Suffice to say we didn't and settled instead for Channel 7's Sunrise. You have to get up just as early and it's just as painful to watch for prolonged periods. Mission No. 2 for this year was to finish a cryptic crossword. One of many clues that stumped us was 'Greetings Mrs Marples (said to be an unprepossessing creature)'. Quit the riddles and say what you mean crossword!
Admittedly the one resolution we kept was never in doubt, but in hindsight doesn't actually make any sense. It read 'don't break this resolution'. We're still scratching our heads.

2. Revelation is Peter Andre's "comeback" album. Peter, mate, wherever you've come back from, could you not have stayed there? Bollocks cannot verify this but we heard you were in prison for three years for abuse to music. Please confirm or deny.
We have not listened to the album, having only briefly considered purchase for use as a coaster, but can tell by song titles alone that this is a ripper of a release. Track four, The Way You Move (Up In Here) shows Pete's party side, track eight Outta Control shows his rebellious side (see what he did there joining 'out' and 'of' together? Such a bad ass), and track nine displays his lovin' side: XOXO.
For us he hits the nail on the head with track six, Go Back. Ponce.

1. This guy:

Two years since his inauguration and Bollocks still cannot find the words to aptly describe Kevin Michael Rudd. The closest we can come is smarmy prat.

Forget Whaling For Five Minutes...

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 06:40:00 +0000

Just a short one this week.

With all the focus on whaling and its negative impacts, some may not realise the effects that shark hunting is having. Check out this link to see what I'm talking about: http://seashepherds.ning.com/group/SharkShepherds/forum/topics/operation-trident-sos-now
It is a call to action from the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society (SSCS) regarding NOW Foods and its production of Shark Cartilage Caps which as SSCS puts it "are seriously causing negative impacts on the ocean's ecosystem and ... massive decline of 250 targeted shark species that are now threatened or endangered". To their credit Nutrition House and Holista Health (two of the culprits) responded promptly and agreed that "any harvesting of sharks at this time creates a potential for ecological harm". They both also stated there would be a stop in purchasing Shark Cartilage raw materials and production of Shark Cartilage products.
This is of course good news but another issue continues to ravage shark populations worldwide.
Finning can be defined as the removal and retention of shark fins and the discard at sea of the carcass. Fins are a delicacy in some asian cooking, primarily shark fin soup. There are laws which prevent finning but they are obviously lax as each year 73 million sharks are killed. How long can this continue before the 440 or so species are whittled down to 200, 50, 10?

In the United States, Senator John Kerry has introduced The Shark Conservation Act which would "ban removal of shark fins at sea, close other loopholes in the current U.S. shark finning law and promote the conservation of sharks internationally". This bill is currently pending in the Senate but you can help by sending a letter to your local Senator (if you live in the US) at http://actionnetwork.org/campaign/sharkconservationact/nqrj7e7j6n?source=pewsharks
If you live in the EU visit http://www.scribd.com/doc/20481649/Shark-Alliance-Pocket-Guide-to-Helping-Sharks to assist in pushing Spain (Europe's leader in shark fishing/hunting) to stop stalling and ratify amendments in the EU constitution essential for the end to this atrocious practice.
For those in Australia, or worldwide for that matter, sign the petition at http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/400108473?ltl=1178439019 which is aiming to stop the distribution of shark fins.
If you're still not convinced by the facts or unsure whether you want to sign a petition, take a look at www.alibaba.com, search 'shark' and see what comes up. While you're there send the suppliers a message, but be polite, we wouldn't want to offend these useless twats.

Hungry For More?

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:48:00 +0000

For a city so grand in size, many of us venture so little into Sydney. For the most part we barely scratch the surface of this sprawling suburbia's culinary world. If you ever doubted the extent to which this is a multicultural city, look no further than its cafés and restaurants as a measure.

Whether you're visiting or a native, here are five eateries to try in Sydney:

5. Coco Cubano - http://www.cococubano.com/ - is situated in King's Cross' heart; what better place to start a night out? Think of a mix between Max Brenner, Havana and Underbelly and you'll be on the right track. Once you get past the price (almost $8 for a small hot chocolate but justifiable when you're on Darlinghurst Road) you'll be welcomed into a place very different from the norm; how many Cuban-themed cafés can you think of? And how many do you know with a humidor, each cigar with suggestions of what drink best to accompany it?
Its stylish interior is at odds with the bustling Cross, the perfect place from which to people watch with a cocktail, ice cream or chocolate-based snack in hand.
This is a fairly new establishment but already a Taylor Square branch has opened; a sign of success or eagerness? Either way it's worth a try for something different or if you feel like channeling the spirit of Fidel Castro ... oh scratch that, he's not dead yet.
Note that the Coco Cubano website is under construction. Call 02 9816 4777 for more info.

4. Twisted Noodle could be at the more populated end of Dixon St but perhaps that's its advantage, appealing to the Karaoke crowd who want something a little more secluded after belting out several Bon Jovi classics. This informal restaurant has a menu with customisable options for beef and rice noodles which in itself may be fairly standard but it's the quality of food and attentiveness of staff that place it on this list.
There are a couple of surprise options for dinner (Pig blood with chives is one) but overall it's pretty simple food from a limited menu with sour and chilli options ranging from nil to extreme (judging by the strength of medium chilli, extreme can only be a joke).
Hearty food and more relaxed than much of Chinatown.
No website currently exists. Call 02 9267 2327 for more info.

3. La Guillotine - http://www.laguillotine.com/ - has been around for over 40 years which is surely a long stretch for a French restaurant in Sydney. The website proudly boasts it's "still as intimate" and rightly so, this Kent St venue is metres from busy George St but cosy, dark and slightly messy in a controlled sort of way. The staff wear mismatching t-shirts which says something of its personality. It's stylish but doesn't have to prove it and for a moment you feel like you could be a local in a Parisian eatery.
Foodwise it's what you'd expect from French stereotypes: Pâté de campagne aux foie de poulet et lardons (Chicken liver and pork pâté) or Escargots cuits dans leurs coquilles avec un beurre a l'ail (Snails with garlic and parsley butter) for starters and Tournedo Rossini servi sur un lit de pomme lyonnaise (Beef with Foie Gras) or Magret de canard aux griottes confites au kirsh sur un gratin de pommes de terre (Duck with Cherry and Kirsch sauce) for mains. Specialties include mussels and omelettes and a considerable wine list is available before you catch a movie at the cinema complex behind. Just don't watch that new one with Sarah Jessica Parker, it's enough to put you off your meal.

2. Stuyvesant's House - www.stuyvesantshouse.com - has its origins in Grossgartach and Frankenbach in Germany, where head chefs Rudi and Max Dietzles learned their trade. Their motto is "good food makes good people" which on the surface seems absurd; surely good people are made from the same things as bad: flesh, blood, hair, etc. But I suspect this is not meant to be taken literally. It makes more sense after sampling the moustached duo's menu which contains ten varients of schnitzel (including salmon), five sorts of lobster, four sorts of oyster, clam chowder and Gloria's cousin haringsla vanderbilt (Herring marinated in apples, gherkins and sour cream). There's a sprinkling of Indonesian in the mix (not sure why) with all the German meat dishes you could wish for.
The restaurant's external appearance makes you feel as though you're entering someone's home and Rudi and Max along with their staff are so welcoming you feel like you've been invited over for dinner.
One of Sydney's most authentic German restaurants and definitely a highlight of the north shore.

1. Sydney Cove Oyster Bar - www.sydneycoveoysterbar.com - is undoubtedly the best place for breakfast, lunch or dinner if you want a view of the Sydney Harbour Bridge and surrounds. From Circular Quay it is simply amazing to gaze unobstructed across the water as you finish off 2, 3 or 7 oyster shots whilst the sun sets above you.
Their menu and wine list are everchanging so there is plenty to keep you coming back for, not least of which the formentioned shots containing an oyster and spirit or liqueur (try the mango puree).
On the menu you'll find many types of exotic fish and crustacean dishes as well as duck breast and black angus sirloin but it's not vegetarian-friendly with a lone tasting plate the mains option.
Judging by the price of coffee - four dollars - it's reasonably priced for its location but not hard to rack up a sizeable bill. Advisable to make friends with the Swiss tourists on the next table and tell the waitress they're paying ala Dumb and Dumber.

These Are A Few Of My Least Favourite Things

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 06:40:00 +0000

The Blog is Back! For the first time in just shy of one-and-a-half years, the Bollocks Blog returns bigger and better. I was tossing up between a critique of Leo Tolstoy's The Kreutzer Sonata and a compilation of generally annoying things as the topic for this monumental occasion; opted for the latter as I have not read The Kreutzer Sonata nor had I heard of it before today.

N.B. Blog will most likely be neither bigger nor better.

5. People who cannot grasp the concept of queues. You know the type, there's a clear line in front of a cashier or ticket office and someone feigning misdirection will wander into your line of sight just in time for them to be called up as the next customer.

It's either this or they will pretend they didn't know there was a queue and sneak in from the side. Wow, we didn't see you there Mr. Ninja-man, prat.

The third variant on the queue-cheating system is significantly more blatant (as commonly practised in parts of south-east Asia). This is where after eventually getting to the front of a queue, the people behind come from all directions to completely surround you as if you are either non-existent or a placard claiming 'Next Bus Leaving In Ten Minutes'. What makes this scenario worse is that the person working behind the counter complies with this line abuse.

I'm proposing to my local member for parliament that all, ALL, queues in this country if not the world are ticketed. If a supermarket deli counter can do it why can't a 5-star hotel?

4. These Emails:

Beneficiary.

It is a profound gratitude communicating

with you through this medium. We

SUPER ENALOTTO International wish

to inform you that your em

ail address with

Ticket Number: 5-9-25-30-76-81,

Serial number 2443-05, File reference number:

EG/069713160012 won prize fund of

€515,810.00 Euros categorically

in our lottery program.

Please contact our FOREIGN TRANSFER MANAGER.

PROSEGUR SEGURIDAD. S.L.

Dr. Don. Antonio Maretti.

Telephone:+34 672 552 735.

Email: proseguritt@aim.com

GREETINGS, I seek your assistance on a business transaction that will be of mutual benefits. Kindly email me your name, company name (if any), your address, telephone and fax number. On your response, I will send you the full details and more information about myself and the funds. Kindly reply through my private email marmrtncrtt@aol.com Yours sincerely, Mr.martins Cerutti.

I am yet to receive my money, which is frustrating because I even emailed these kind people my date of birth, names of immediate family members, blood type, BSB and account number, with a photo of myself taken last holiday.

3. People still on pocket money who insist on writing autobiographies and releasing greatest hits. Case in point Miley Cyrus who in early 2009 brought out Miles To Go, the story of her life so far. Now I'm not debating that she hasn't a story to tell (as riveting as that would be), it's just that - and this is directed at the author - , if there are miles to go, leave it until you run out of gas.

But no, she's a moneymaking machine and she cannot be stopped. Which brings me to the second sad case of bad advice leading to bad decisions: Nikki Webster. The 22-year old's first album was released in August 2001. 3 years and 2 more beautifully crafted albums later she brings us The Best of Nikki Webster, 14 of her greatest (and only) tracks. Makes a good coaster.

2. Americans. This might not be the most culturally sensitive idea for a topic in a list of things that annoy me but it just has to be stated. I come across American people every day and I do encounter some genuinely nice ones ...

But, the rest may as well have been raised by something less than human, something that brings up their young to talk to fellow humans as if they're a) mentally challenged; b) from another planet; or c) less important because they're not American.

Or perhaps this is just how these people talk to each other on a daily basis. You be the judge from this example: A Hawaiian woman once called me racist because I apparently didn't understand her pathetic rant about nothing in particular. In truth she didn't understand but that didn't stop her from shouting in a busy public area, "Is it because of the colour of my skin?" The irony is that I wasn't racist before I met her but I was that much closer after.

1. Fashion. It's just not needed is it? What kind of society is dictated by some ponce in France who found a neon singlet in his closet and showed it his friend Marcel who then paraded it on the catwalk? How is it that something worn can be an ongoing source of amusement to others? "I can't believe he wore purple moccasins with a denim waist jacket and speedos." If he wants to wear it, let him. And if she wants to wear polar fleece mittens with beige leggings and an elbow piercing, let her.

I've never seen anyone wearing either of those outfits (one guy on Pitt Street came close) but you get the point. Fashion is a cyclical monster that must be ignored. If it feels good wear it, and wear it with pride.

Ah, but what about ugly people I hear you ask. That's altogether different. They must be berated at every opportunity until the uglies are gone.

Mobile Phone Wankers

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 03:10:00 +0000

I thought the days when people talked inappropriately loudly on their mobile phones had gone. I saw a lot of it in the 90s, when the phenomenon was new - you wanted people to see how cool you were, that you were following the tech trends. But now, in an age when there seem to be more mobile phones than people, why do some people insist on drawing attention to themselves when they're on the phone? All it does is annoy people like me, who have to fight to restrain the urge to grab the phone and shove it up the user's arse. I often throw my "keep it down, you tosser" look at offenders, but it usually does nothing - they're either so wrapped up in the conversation or so determined to look like a twat, that they don't care. Maybe it's the fact that we have shorter fuses these days that makes us want to punch them in the face?
So here's what I'm going to do next time I encounter a shouty mobile user: wait till they finish the call (after all, it's polite to) and ask them the time by shouting the question at them: "DO YOU HAVE THE TIME?!" When they ask why you're shouting, just say "Sorry, but the way you were talking on the phone, I assumed you were talking to a fellow deaf person."

Talking loudly on mobile phones - it's not big and it's not clever.

Note to Americans: mobile phone = cellphone; arse = ass/butt; twat = dickhead.

Top 3 Celebrities I'd Most Like To Slap

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 08:44:00 +0000

Be honest ... you've looked at at least one celebrity and thought "I'd just love to smack you right in the cakehole." I have - plenty of times - and now in my mind I keep a personal Top 3 Celebrities I'd Most Like To Slap. The truth is that there are so many slap-worthy celebs, it's difficult to choose who makes the cut, so my criteria is how they treat others - those who are unnecessarily mean to those they come in contact with. So who's top of my list? Who else but Queen Bitch himself - Elton John - a moody, bitter, spiteful arsehole who needs a good slap round the chops with a piece of wet fish. At number 2 currently (my list changes depending on who's behaving badly at the time) is Naomi Campbell, another has-been who needs to pull her head in and realise that the world doesn't revolve around her, the fish-faced troll. At number 3, it's a photo-finish between the hideous offspring of scruffy gits Ozzy Osbourne and Bob Geldof - Kelly and Bananas or whatever her name is. They've both acted like spoiled twats their whole lives and, until they finally understand that being born into fame and cash doesn't make you better than everyone else, I think we should legally be allowed to slap them red raw.
Paris Hilton has drifted in and out of my Top 3, but slapping her would be a waste of energy. And I'm pretty sure she's too thick to feel it anyway.
So who are the top 3 celebrities you'd most like to slap?

Spam, spam, spam, egg, chips & spam

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 08:51:00 +0000

Spam - a portmanteau of 'spiced ham' - was, along with corned beef, part of the lard-controlled diet of your average kid in 70s England. Why is it now the name for uninvited junk email?
This week, bollocks.com.au has received a ridiculous amount of spam. It wouldn't be so bad if these losers with nothing better to do than send this crap out could think of a subject line that would even remotely interest the average human, and therefore make them decide to open it.
Here are some of the names of this week's collection: Goodiest proposal / I wish you good day! / I want to find friend! / I hope, you will read it! / I will glad to know you! / Go left after the next right (spam SatNav?) And then there's the endless spam promising to cure your lack of ... um ... stiffness: Virility paradise is here / Having issues with your manhood? / Keep her up all night! (an email about coffee?) / She likes getting slap on the ass (ooh, classy). And what about some of the senders' names? I will glad to know you! was sent by Courtney Dick ... as if I'm gonna open that! Actually I did, but that's not the point. I've heard that if you open spam emails, the sender somehow becomes aware that your email address is 'live'. Bollocks.

Random Food for Thought

noreply@blogger.com (bollocks.com.au) — Sun, 18 May 2008 10:09:00 +0000

When did hotcakes become the benchmark for fast moving consumer goods? More to the point, what is a hot cake? According to an online dictionary, it's a - probably American - term for pancakes. So why isn't the phrase "selling like pancakes"? Because it sounds daft, that's why. And what if you were in the business of selling hot - or pan - cakes? What would they be selling like?
What if you worked at NASA and were designing a new primary thrust unit. You got stuck on a tricky bit and called your supervisor, who tells you "come on, it's not rocket science." The only possible response would be "I think you'll find it is."
When do you know if someone is a pain in the neck or a pain in the arse? Is there a line they have to cross? Because surely a pain in the arse is worse. Harder to rub in public too.
As we learn about all the things you can do in the world of blogging, We promise to make our blogs more interesting. We'll devote more time to them; there'll be links and videos and all sorts. Not licorice ones.